To R: Of closures and such

I have often wondered over the last few months, how things would have been if you had not come here at all. It wouldnt have been rosy, because it hasnt been for ages, but maybe it wouldnt have become so bitter. Maybe the differences and bitterness would not have poured onto my other relationships, soaking them with accusations and misunderstandings. Weighing them down so much, that I might lose the will to pick them again. I feel guilty. I know I did the right things. Everyone I know seems to agree. But I also know that I must have done something wrong for it to come to this. I feel guilty for not knowing where I went wrong. And I feel wronged. I deserved that last precinct of faith. I deserved to continue believing things like family-is-family and they-will-always-understand-you. I had believed it without question for the last 20 years of my life. But everything moves. Everything gives way. This too, did. Maybe I expect everyone around to understand my actions. Maybe that is a problem. Maybe so do you. We are probably similar in that aspect of wanting understanding without explanations, that it makes us so totally different. Neither ready to accept another point of view. Neither ready to give in. I look back now, and wish I could turn it back to the times when I believed. When I genuinely wanted to help. When I really did care. Someone told me the other day, that I have faith in humanity, regardless of what I claim. Yes, I guess I do. I hope that all this will repair. However cynical I may be, I am still a hopeful. A hopeful fool maybe, but hope is like that. You have closed a chapter, so I will allow you to end it, without asking questions or offering justifications. It isnt easy for me to write this, because somewhere in the back of my mind I have a small fear that you might read it. And yet, I sometimes want you to read it. Known you all my life, and yet I dont know you. I will let the hurt die down. Because some day, I know it will. If not, you will become yet another person who changed my life. And no, it was not for the better.