Its gonna be okay
But I know it wont. How can it be?
There are times when I completely run out of things to say, especially when I'm trying to console someone. Yes I know these people dont need consolation. But then, can I just go on with normal conversation as if nothing happened? They dont need that either, I'm sure.
Last week I received an out-of-office reply from a friend. So when he was back, I messaged him on Yahoo, rather cheerfully.
Me: So where did you go on your holiday??
Him: Went home, for my grandma's funeral.
Of course I was shocked. Not because I knew his grandmother (never met her). Not because I thought he would be utterly depressed (no, he wasnt. Death of an elderly is something we all accept I guess). Not because I wasnt 'there' for him (he's not a real close friend anyway). But I was shocked because I didnt know what to say next.
Me: Sorry to hear that. My condolences.
Like it makes any difference! Like the other person needs my condolences to get through this! How is he supposed to respond? "Thank you"? Thanking me for being all prim and propah and saying the 'right' thing?
If it was someone close to me, I would have done the hug and a pat on the back thingy. Trust me, sometimes you dont need words. But what do you say or do on an instant messenger, or over a phone conversation??
Him: Thank you.
I hate these conversations... loss of a loved one, or loss of a job, or loss of a precious object... it is a loss. And me saying 'Its gonna be okay' isnt going to help. Because its not gonna be okay. Somethings are gone, never to come back. Somethings are lost, and we've got to live with it. Somethings are there, for a person to deal with, himself or herself.
And my 'being there', wont make a difference.
posted by Casablanca at
11:36 AM
23 Comments:
Being there might actually help. In sudden stress situations like loss, people do need to be reminded that it will eventually be okay. People move on, even after experiencing the death of loved ones or losing jobs.
Not some things, but everything eventually goes away... and if we held on dearly to everything that we keep losing, we'd lose our minds. The thing to hold on to is that even with the loss of something we held dear, things will be okay. And its at the moment of loss that people forget this the most and feel totally completely helpless.
i completely agree. your last line makes a lot of sense.
I know how you feel babe. But then you know what, when i am going through a stressful time, or i am remorsing a 'loss' of a loved one, i want someone to be there for me. I want someone to tell me that i will be fine and i will get throught the hard times. Maybe the person consoling me doesn't have the slightest idea of what i am going through, but words of condolences and the fact that someone is there with me through my hard times is immensely satisfying. It might not lessen the grief; nevertheless there is an assurance that someone is there for me.
So next time you are consoling someone, you can be damn sure that you ARE helping that person through his grief! And btw, loved ur post on Cityscape. Reminded me soooo much of Bombay and how badly i am missing that place! =)
its XACTLY wot I feel...its as if u were writing abt ME!!!...I also get so awkward in such situations...esp if that person is not that close...it makes so much sense...ur post...these r really difficult situations trying to think of smth to say...and it has to b the rite words and we have to say SMTH coz goin quiet is even worse!!!
Whew, so many updates over the weekend!
We do what we can to show our support..Sometimes people don't need it..sometimes they do.
As for me, Hugs are the universal medicine.
The eternal question to which there is no correct answer, we've all been in the situation and there is nothing to say and absolutely nothing to make it better, especially at times when unfortunately person wasn't that old...
Somehow i've seen alot of it off late, and realised that we all know there isn't anything to say and its wierd so its just the thought that does makes you feel a teensy bit better at the point...
Whatever we possess can be gone within a second; the only problem is even though we know this we can't get around to actually accepting it when we lose something/someone.
Thats why we need people around us to remind us that its gonna be alright. What it really means is sooner or later you shall forget that thing/person and life will go on.
-Ritwik
"And my 'being there', wont make a difference"
isnt's that too much of a generalization...?
i just say "bummer" and continue with regular conversation. and trust me thats the best way to do it...
"And my 'being there', wont make a difference."
true, but for someone close to you, a tiny gesture of comfort can make huge difference.
By n large, ppl have grown up to accept that 'life moves on'. So it's just a matter of time before one restores him/herself back after a disaster/loss of someone.
And believe me, i feel as uncomfortable as nyone else dealing with situation like urs. A sudden burst of aphasia !!
I know what you are saying. It makes it worse when you live away from your family and loved ones. YOu never know who you might never see again. I lost my maternal grandmother this Summer and makes me cringe everytime I think that the next time I go to Calcutta I will not see her again. Life's too short and mostly unfair.
Lol@Arroclint...
Anyway... i don't think what you say or can say will make a difference. But I think there are certain phrases or words in any language which only mean courtesy... you say them whether you mean them or not, whether or not they make a difference.
i so know wat u mean.
my best friend's dad died.
out of her two best friends i was the one who wasnt there for her 24/7!
i go to clge, and i have family priorities which kept me from being there ALL the time.
but i wanted to be there.
the other friend, who works, took leave and was there the whole time.
i suddenly feel like i wasnt there for her, like i wasnt a good friend,and feel guilty and uncomfortable around her.
aaaaaaargh!im pretty sure she understands, beceuse we both have the same busy schedules, but i just feel guilty.
True true...very true.
I know what you mean by this post. Maybe I read between the lines, or maybe I did not. But in the end, all I can say, is that I would understand what loss is. Be it of dreams, people or times.
There's a mantra though. Everyone has one that helps them. I'm sure that this person, you or anyone else will find it. If one can only give way for it.
I hope I make some sense to you.
it is too hard to find words, when u know it was a big loss...
been in this position many a times..was pondering how to go on!
anyway..
me first time in here!
ur old post Style Check / 7 no-nos was really very hilarious!
politeness was invented for times like this....
It probably wont matter for everyone but will matter for people who like to lean on to you at times like this.But yes, there is surely no good way of consoling. atleast that i know of. I just hope i don't piss them off even more :)
hi casablanca, I believe it does help, being there even if you are silent does help. I have been on the other side of the table and every person who gave me condolences, is valued. besides, people can make out who is sincere and who is not, the tone of voice, or expression in the eyes is enough. but how you can convey sincerity on an instant messenger, I don't know.
i suck at such conversations...i never know what to say ...
Yes situations and conversations like these are indeed difficult. But your being there does make a difference sometimes.
I never know what to say in such situations.. it's the most awkward place to be.. but I believe nothing is going to change the fact that that person has lost someone dear.. so the polite and correct thing to do is just to say you're sorry.. Just being able to listen, or be present at the funeral etc is enough.
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