My Identity (Crisis?)
As I walked back to my apartment in the evening, the huge plasma screen on the mall opposite my house, played a chinese pop video, which, guessing from the crowd gathered there, must be quite a popular number. People looked at the screen open-mouthed and starry eyed. I dont understand their language or their music. But I just stood there. I have never felt so alien before. I wondered how it would be if I was standing in an Indian city right now. Would the screen be playing the latest bollywood number, in a language that I understand, with characters I can relate to, and music that I can hum? I was surprised that my eyes were moist. I was surprised that suddenly after 8 years, I would feel so out of place, outside India.
There are two extremes in any expat community. One end is usually the second generation expatriate, who moved when their parents shifted base. They were too young to have experienced India. Or atleast it was quite easy for them to forget whatever little they experienced. They now speak a new language, have a new culture and have totally integrated with their new society. They hang out with non-Indian friends and arent big fans of 'desi' food or culture. Yes, these are the people who get delhi belly when they come to India. These are the ones who are sometimes ashamed of their parents or relatives, because they are too Indian.
The other end of the spectrum has people who move out of India, but live in denial. They will dress in their bright salwars and jewelry, have a group of indian friends (and only indian!) and go shopping at the local indian store which sells everything from paneer to kesar. They rarely eat local food or hang out with locals. And when you ask them how they find XYZ country, their prompt response is "Its totally like India! We got salaam namaste on DVD. Did you watch it?" They pretend, either to themselves, or to others, that nothing has changed in their lives, except their address. Yes, I think they live in denial.
Of course, as all things in this world, these extremes are not the only black-and-white sides of this community. There are too many shades of grey in between. I belong to one of those grey areas. I belong to the fence-sitters. I have spent two-thirds of my life in India, and one-third outside.
I speak english with an accent sometimes. I break out into hindi songs whenever I get a chance to.
I love indian food, but I cant have it everyday (maybe I should be ashamed to say this.. but well, that's what is true!). I start craving for burgers and pastas from my favourite joints if I've eaten desi for a few days in a row. Yet I hog when I go home. From pani puris to indian chinese. I hog!
I wear my salwars on diwali and dussera even if I'm not in India. And I wear my tank tops when I party on christmas and new year's.
I watch a hollywood blockbuster almost every week, and once in a couple of months I surely squeeze in the latest hindi movie into my schedule.
I hang out with Indian friends... and I also hang out with non-Indian friends. Good friends. Close friends.
And yes, I grin every time I book my ticket to India.
No I'm not showing-off about being the perfectly balanced expat. Infact, far from it. As I said, there are millions of people in these shades of grey. And of course, not to mention that those at the extremes are not wrong. Well its their life, and whatever makes them happy.
I am writing this to express, that to some extent, we the fence-sitters, are living dual lives. Dual personalities. Dual identities. Not to mention the confused ambitions - Will I go back? When will I go back? And the absolute worst fear - what if I go back, and I dont fit in there either?
I know many of you reading my blog are Indians settled in different corners of the world. My intention in writing this isnt to make you feel home-sick or confused. Infact, this is one of the most messy posts I've written, because I dont really know where I'm headed with it. But one thing is for sure, I should never polish my ego by saying My motherland needs me. No, there are enough smart people in India, and the country is doing fine without us, thank you. It is me, who needs my country. All I need to figure out is, when will the time be appropriate, for me to trade in my comfortable living, for a place I belong.
Mitti ki hai jo khushboo, tu kaise bhoolaayega
Tu chaahe kahin jaaye, tu laut ke aayega
posted by Casablanca at
1:43 PM
33 Comments:
You know what? That "Ghar aaja pardesi" song was playing in my head in the background as I read this.
Recently, I told a friend (not an Indian) that I need a new outfit as is the Diwali tradition. He quickly said "Doesn't it have to be an Indian dress?" And that was an awkward moment of realisation. Surely, there was a time when new outfit meant new lehengas, kurtas, etc. But now, to me, it means new teeshirt, new jeans, new cocktail dress. Not saying it is a HUGE deal, but it was weird that I had never quite realised it myself.
Awkward, no?
Have yet to experience a life as an expat but I can tell you I could understand a lot of the emotions in your post. I have a lot of friends all over the world and then some who have returned from different lands and all seem to be in these shades of grey. From one extreme to the other there are many who fill in that gap. But the most common ones are the 'I love this country but I wouldnt wanna live here'. Even the elder community seems to be going in that direction. I dont blame them.... some things are just better outside.
The age old adage of 'My country needs me/my talent' seems to be fading in the oblivion and rightly so. I dont think this country yet respects talent the way it should. I say collect your riches out there and then if you're upto it settle down here. 'Cos in the end you cant always live the life of a second citizen.
free the soul,
let it just fly,
and one shall realise the joy of a life
- without any boundaries
...geographical
...material
...physical
...emotional
I am not sure which category do i fit into, but i sure did find it difficult to accept Singapore as my home. I used to miss every single thing about my Bombay. But lately, i've been getting a little senti about Singapore too.
But well, home is where the heart is after all. And that would be Bombay! When dad books the tickets for Bombay or Kolkata, there's always this tremendous joy that i feel. I guess, not only me but most indian expats do. I completely related to your post. I get what ya mean babe! =)
The one thing that I like about being an Indian is.. I can come back anytime I want to! [:)]
I am not sure that sounds like a profound statment but everytime I go out and I come back, I love the feel of knowing that I belong here!
A nice post!
Jupiter,
Yes so many things changed in our lives when we came to Singapore. But will it again change when we go back to India? Or will be remain the in-betweens?
Saurabh,
Well being outside India is definitely an experience, but as you said, you cant always be a second grade citizen.
Anonymous,
If there are no emotions, how will you realise the joy of life??
Medha,
I know! Singapore is home to me too. Most of my friends are there.. so I do belong, in a way atleast.
Neil,
"Come back anytime I want to!" The thought is very comforting, I must say :)
why do u want to categorise urself casa? why arent u fine with being ur this-self(ves)... i mean yes, u do think u have a dual identity. but, why don't you acknowledge the fact that you do like being the different "people" that YOU actually are and accept that it's part of the decision that made rationally?
Goose bumps! that was beautiful, casa.. life on the fence.. it's a constant nightmare thinking what if I don't fit neither here nor there.. what then?
Anonymous,
I stand corrected. You asked for removal of emotional boundaries, not emotions. A friend of mine just explained the difference to me :)
Shashi,
Yes I am at ease with my dual identity. But what about having seen 2 worlds, and now wanting the best of both?
Cowlick,
Yes, what then?? Scary, isnt it.
u r a kid to india, u will always fit in darlin, always
and so would all who love india and pine for it as their motherland...
and yea, if u ever bump into chetan bhagat in HK, do tell him great story that "5 point someone" :D
Turn it just so slightly around... there is no "Indian" who perfectly fits into India either. There are so many of my friends in India, who feel out of place because they want to go abroad and experience the so-called "good life".
You are in regions of grey because everyone is. I wonder how many people really feel "in-place", or at peace with who or what they consider themselves to be.
Burf,
Chetan Bhagat moved to Singapore just before I moved to HK. Will catch him there when I go back :)
Anshul,
Hmm, thats a thought. Complications in life. Phew!
It is difficult to convey these emotions so vividly and relate so well. And, the thing at hand is also strong! I play cricket and the feeling is so liberating and the joy is immense.I guess, rohan and Pointy would agree with me on this.For similar reasons, if not the same :)
excellent post.....u wont believe it, but I have been thinking of doing a similar piece for more than a month now..so I shall reserve my comments for the post....**this might give Totti a chance to call me a plagiarist***
I belong to the "living in denial" category. I think these classifications have a lot to do with one's upbringing and also about the persons flexibility / inflexibility. lot of people looks for a natural comfort level with the desi friends circle.
nice to see someone craving for the indianness( at least once in a while). coz in india everyone wants to deny the indianness and become as westernernized as possible
Totti,
Yes, like saturday's bhangra night was liberating for me! Never danced so much on hindi music before :)
Pointy,
Look forward to your take on this. Haha, dont let Totti discourage you ;)
Kaps,
Agreed, it totally depends on a person's willingness to adapt or not.
Brood,
Greener grass again I suppose :)
I've nver lived out of mumbai, never even moved in the city! But i have a friend who feels totally like this in india, shes been nodding her head vigrously, completely relates to this.
I've nver lived out of mumbai, never even moved in the city! But i have a friend who feels totally like this in india, shes been nodding her head vigrously, completely relates to this.
Very beautiful post, I too kinda identify with you totally the fence sitting expat who gels in wherever they stay but quintessentially Inidan at heart. And yes its never your motherland that needs you, its always you who needs your motherland. That post wasnt messy, just a window to ur homesickness
'Nayi nayi raahon mein, dabi dabi aahon mein
Khoye khoye dilse tere, koyi ye kahega
Ye jo des hai tera, swades hai tera '
Wow!! exactly that I have been talking to totti about offlate.. about just being so out of place and not being the "crowd" in this place, especially at a time when India has so much to offer with a super pace of development...
Karuna,
Glad that your friend could relate to this. Infact sometimes even changing cities within India has a similar effect (although to a lesser degree).
Rohan,
Indian at heart, and we'll always remain so, no matter how many years we spend outside. Isnt it?
Susu,
Yes that's the point. However much we gel in, we will still be the 'outsiders' in any other country!
As Javed Jaafri said famously in Salaam namaste 'eggjactly' ;)
Rohan,
So do you have a gori wife who keeps saying 'Sorry'? ;)
that's like saying u wanna escape decision
Ask me no questions and i'll tell u no lies ;)
Shashi,
Yes, you are right :)
Rohan,
Oh c'mon... bring on the gossip :D
There were just too many comments so I did not read them all. Pardon me if I'm repeating something.
I would just say that this is the way that life is. I understand that being an expat is very difficult, but the same thing happens to almost everyone who leaves home, although with lesser intensity. I left home when I came to college. I terribly miss my city now. I grin when I buy the ticket home. I still believe that my city serves the best food possible in this world. I yearn to traverse those familiar streets of childhood. I yearn to hear that accent of people. And yet, when I do get home, I get this entirely alien feeling. On the first night, even the bed that I slept in for 18 years of my life feels strange. I can no more walk around my house in pich darkness of the night.
I'll say that this is just life. Whenever you leave a place, you leave a portion of yourself behind. In another year and a half I'm going to leave this college and I know I'm going to cry. I'm going to leave a lot of myself behind here. But life has to go on. It does go on.
Time can change a lot of things.... and sometimes it takes you by surprise.
My dad emigrated from India to the UK in his early 20s. Married an English girl.
In his mid-30s, we emigrated from the UK to the US. My mum found it amusing that my dad missed pork pies, cornish pasties, and scotch eggs... english food. (He also lamented the lack of Indian restaurants.)
About 10 years later, after a trip to the UK, I realized it wasn't my home any more. It had changed. I had changed. And it came as quite a shock. A couple of years later, I told my parents that we should become US Citizens, and we did.
We've been in the US for 25 years now. I'm still British, and my dad is still Indian, but I don't think either of us could go back.
Nice post..I can relate to everything that you said.
Am not sure if someone has said this before (there are too many comments to read), but I dont think the second gen have it any easier, or that they are the extreme. Your profile says you are from SG - if you take a look at the second gen Singapore Indians, you will realise that they are desperately trying to cling onto whatever arcane Indian traditions their grandparents brought from India. And many a time, they dont even try to integrate all that well with the local Chinese.
>>.. trade in my comfortable living, for a place I belong.
After 8 years, are you sure belong as much as you used to? Not to be a cynic, but more often than not, many expats find that they dont belong anywhere anymore.
Maybe by the time you go home, the place you belong will be a place of comfortable living :)
Hit the spot.
I have my own post on this issue. But I will leave some comments here.
I have noticed different types of Indian expats in USA.
(These are not the only groups and i am generalizing. There are plenty exceptions and combinations)
Typically indians come here for 3 reasons:
1)job (thru Indian company)
2)family green card (motel/gas station/Taxi drivers)
3)education (Mostly masters, but also bachelors)
All are solid good reasons but Indians deal with it like this :
Indians that come thru indian software companies, typically live with 3-4 roomates, fellow indian programmers. When they go to work, again they are with fellow indian programmers. They come home at night, cook Indian food, watch hindi movie on VCR, eat and sleep. They do not like eating american food, or even try it. Only thing they eat outside is on weekend....at local indian restaurants.
They go on weekend trips with roommates/fellow indian programmers to nearby cities (Niagara falls for sure). On weekends they shop at Indian grocery store. The only interaction with americans is the american counterpart of their indian boss.
There is no intention/attempt to even learn about the country they are in.
The family green card types have no issues. They are mentally still in India. Sole objective is run gas station/motel/cab and make money to buy india tickets every 2 years. They have absolutely no intension of going back to india at all. Not even a thought. They attend bhajans/hare krishna/swadhyay etc. Women always dress in punjabi dress/ saris. They never even speak to americans except for those who do business with them. Most of them can't even speak english.
The last types are the students. These are the people who spend 2 to 6 years studying till they get a job and H-1 work visa. They stay with other indian students, work hard on small jobs to make money. They keep studying BS,MS,MBA, second MS, PhD etc till hey get a visa. And then starts the struggle to save money (with low paying jobs) and buy india tickets, and send money to india typically to return educational loan etc.
Now there are very few such as IITians and Doctors etc that after their studies get a nice job and usually settle in US.
After all these things, typically after 5 years in USA, starts the X+1 syndrome
(Read the famous "X = X + 1 Syndrome" on "www.garamchai.com/XPlusOne.htm" )
1)Most indians here stay in the state of denial
2)Sole objective is to save money ( 1 $ = 44 Rs conversions) all the time
3)Those who settle here always always have a sense of guilt and feeling of not blonging here
4)They have indian parties every single weekend, as that is the only way to socialize.
5)Talking to Americans occurs rarely apart from when at work.
6)Indians feel scared of Gori chamadi....i have seen live examples
So, indian friends,indian fellow programmers, indian aquentance, indian food, indian grocery store, indian restaurant, indian picnics, indian weekend parties, indian movies,
Now all this I talked was about Expats that come to USA after spending 20 years in India.
Second generation ABCD (America borned confused desis" is a totally different story.
Every single line from "Yeh Jo Des hai tera" from Swades is true and hits hard.
Mitti ki hai jo khushboo, tu kaise bhoolaayega
Tu chaahe kahin jaaye, tu laut ke aayega...
Yun to saare sukh hai barase,
Par duur tu hai apne gharse.....
Tu hi toh hai ab jo ye bataaye
Chaahe toh kis disha mein jaaye wahi des.......
Like Casablanca said there are many many exceptions to this, and i am just giving general categories.
I am a total beliver of x=x+1 syndrome and also a fine example of it.
Everytime i think of returning to india/ parents ask me.....my answer is "lets see", ....let me make some money.
But people forget that when in USA, you earn in $$$ but also spend in $$$ and S1 is not = Rs.44
I was lucky with this. When i was new in USA, a family friend expat of 15 years asked me the million $$ question...."What after education?, retruning to India"
My answer was typical......"Will stay in usa for 2-3 years, make some money and then return."
His resposne was surprising, "There will never be a time, when u will be able to say that you have enogh money saved, and you can return to india now"
This made a lot of sense, and I will always remember that.
Another thing I have seen in expats settled in USA with green card/ citizenship is the compulsive attempts to convince themselves and people arund them about how their decision to settle here was perfect. The people continuously compare compare and compare. At the same time when they are on the India trip, talk about how they made india sweets, celebrated diwali etc.
I have also leaned /observed from many examples that it becomes difficult/impossible to return to india after these things happen to you:
1)Buying a house
2)Having kids
Hence those even thinking of returning to India should try to make money (good enough?)and go back asap.
At the same time I have heard examples of people returning after 10,20, 30 years.
But hey...whats the point after 30 years? ...
What I hate is crying expats about all this. Why cry. There are millions in india who are waiting for an opportunity that you have got.
PS: I liked some comments I read
1)When will the time be appropriate, for me to trade in my comfortable living, for a place I belong.
2)Maybe by the time you go home, the place you belong will be a place of comfortable living
3)u will always fit in.
4)Its not ....My country needs me,...but....I need my country
i m touched...
you know i have subconsciously had something against Indians who settle abroad because of their selfish reasons...and prefer to blame it all on Indian system...its not that i make a deliberate attempt of disliking them, but it irks me...what would they know of India after making that decision of not being here...thats what my thought process generally goes like...
but your posts have led me to change my attitude towards a lot of issues...i know its easier said than done when i say i want to stay back here and fight off for my country...in a way it sounds absurd even...despite deciding to stick here maybe when i am actually given a chance to be there maybe i will choose the latter...these are things which one shouldnt talk about if they havent been at that situation...and i am not making any value judgements here...
even though i cant say i know ...that i can understand what you feel...coz i really cant...
but in ur own small way you have made an attempt to connect not just to me...(i am your friend ...would connect no matter what)...but to every one at this side of the earth...and sometimes all you need to do is express ...n i wont hesitate to say that i am surely proud of you...coz you have the courage to put on paper...things that most people are trying to run away from...
keep it up!!!
cheers
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